


I Know What Everything's For

by SuchStuffAsDreamsAreMadeOn



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Cassian Andor Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jyn Erso Needs A Hug, Lots of Angst, Mentions of Blood, Post-Scarif, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 20:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10669890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuchStuffAsDreamsAreMadeOn/pseuds/SuchStuffAsDreamsAreMadeOn
Summary: Cassian comes back after a mission to find that Jyn has gone AWOL.  He doesn't know why she left, but he knows he has to find her.





	I Know What Everything's For

**Author's Note:**

> 1) A million thank yous to the beautiful and perfect [Kobo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Kobo) who encouraged and edited for me. 
> 
>  
> 
> 2) The title comes from the song 'Now I Have Everything' from Fiddler on the Roof
>
>> "I have something that I would die for,  
> Someone that I can live for too--  
> Yes!
>> 
>> Now I have everything  
> Not only everything,  
> I have a little bit more  
> Besides having everything,  
> I know what everything's for"

The warm weight of Jyn Erso’s head on his shoulder slowly pulls Cassian awake. She is curled into his side, one hand resting lightly on his chest, a look of contentment – so rarely seen in the daylight hours – on her face. No matter how many times Cassian wakes up to her next to him he knows it will never cease to amaze him.

It is still very early. Cassian can tell by the quiet of the base. Only a few droids - and even fewer people - are awake. The early morning mechanics, the patrols, the late-shift guards. The morning hours afford a peace rarely found in the Rebel Alliance.

Jyn mumbles something indiscernible in her sleep and sighs into his neck. Cassian smiles and presses a kiss into her hair. He lies there for a few more minutes, reveling in the impossible beauty of the life he and Jyn had created for themselves amidst the chaos and uncertainty of war.

Finally the prospect of the day’s busy schedule pulls him from bed. He is careful to disturb Jyn as little as possible as he slips from under the covers. With his body gone Jyn curls into the space he had just occupied, but otherwise shows no signs of waking up. The private smile stays on Cassian’s lips and he heads into the ‘fresher.

Unsurprisingly Jyn is still in bed when Cassian emerges, damp towel in hand. But this time the mumbled noises coming from the bed are ones of displeasure directed generally at the hour, the day’s schedule, and – as best as Cassian can tell – the world. Jyn in not a morning person. Cassian smiles to himself and he rubs the towel through his hair one more time before hanging it up. 

“Good morning.”

This pleasantry is met with an unintelligible grumble. Cassian laughs softly and sits on the edge of the bed. “I have an early briefing,” he tells her. “So I won’t be at breakfast.”

With an exhale Jyn peaks her head up from the pillow. The sight of her, messy haired and bleary eyed, is enough to make his heart jump in his chest.

“I have training in” – there is a pause, and another groan, as her eyes find the chrono – “forty five minutes, so I won’t be there either.”

He runs a hand lightly down Jyn’s arm. She shifts onto her back, looking up at him through her lashes, and she catches his hand with hers. “Or,” she counters, “we could just stay here. In bed. All day.” 

Another chuckle escapes Cassian. He leans down and Jyn captures his lips with hers. He prays he never gets used to this, to the feeling of Jyn’s lips on his, the feeling of her skin under his palm, and the knowledge that she is there with him. He wants to drown in this moment, to let her steal his breath forever and simply float away on waves of happiness. Baring that he wants to give into her request and spend the day in bed with her. But she has recruits to train and he has meetings to attend and he is sure that if he is even a minute late to his debriefing K2 will come barging into the room – giving some excuse about wanting to make sure Jyn hasn’t murdered him in his sleep – and fix Cassian with a cold, metallic stare until he finally gives in. It’s happened before. 

Mustering his willpower Cassian drags his mouth away from Jyn’s. A breath escapes her lips. “The Rebellion calls?”

He nods and kisses her gently on the forehead. 

“I’ll see you at lunch?” he asks as he stands and gathers his datapad from the table. 

“No, Chirrut offered to teach me some staff work during our break. You aren’t in Solo’s meeting, are you?”

Cassian shakes his head. “No, Luke has me tied up with tactical nonsense. And I have the 1700 patrol, so I guess…” 

“Yeah,” Jyn sighs, slipping from the bed. “I’ll see you tonight, then.”

She crosses to him and leans up on tiptoe to kiss him. 

Cassian loves the Rebellion, both the cause and the people involved. It has been his life, bloody and dark as it can be, for almost every moment he can remember. He knows he has done terrible, unforgivable things in the name of the Alliance, yet he also knows he has done good. And maybe, he thinks – despite all the pain and punishment he has dealt – the universe still believes in the Rebellion just enough to give Cassian Jyn’s kisses as his reward. 

****

The ghost of her kiss carries Cassian through the day, giving him patience when he is dealing with people and pulling private smiles from him when he is alone. Days in the Rebellion are long and the hours drag on. He doesn’t even pass Jyn in the hallways as he hurries through the base. But her kiss and the knowledge that she will be there, in their room, waiting for him in the evening give him endurance even the renowned spy didn’t think he had.

He is surprised when his orders come through. He thought he had a few more days on base before being shipped out again. But the Council is anything but predictable and it’s only a two-day trip to Coruscant, so Cassian knows it could have been much worse. 

After his patrol Cassian grabs a quick bite from the canteen and heads back to his room. Jyn is waiting for him, but there is something about the way she sits at the desk, staring unseeingly at her datapad, that strikes Cassian as wrong. She glances up when the door closes behind him. Still, the smile that has been hiding at the corner of Cassian’s lips all day slides into full view when he sees her. He stopped trying to hide his smiles from Jyn long ago. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Her greeting is shorter than his and her eyes flick away from his momentarily before settling back on him. 

Cassian has gotten good at reading Jyn, better, perhaps, than Jyn might like at times. He knows when there is something on her mind, but he also knows that sometimes the best strategy with Jyn is to be there for her when she needs him, and not push an issue before then.

“How was your day?”

Jyn shrugs and her eyes wander away from his again. “Meetings were boring. I’m pretty sure Chirrut is just pretending to be blind to kriff with us. I’m covered with bruises.” 

Cassian has had the same thought on more than one occasion.

“And yours?”

Jyn’s eyes focus more sharply on him as Cassian sits across from her. “Orders came through. I’m leaving tomorrow for Coruscant. 0800.”

Jyn nods slowly. “How long?”

“Just two days. So not so bad.”

“It’s stupid for me to ask if it’s dangerous, isn’t it?”

The breath that Cassian releases is almost a laugh. “It’s certainly not the most dangerous mission I’ve ever been on. You should know that.”

Jyn shoots him a look. Luckily it is one of the many Cassian has learned to decipher and has filed away in his Encyclopedia of Jyn Looks. Cassian, you are not helping. 

He relents. “It’s short, it’s reconnaissance, K will be with me. It’s nothing out of the ordinary.” They had learned long ago not to lie to each other about most things. I’ll be safe, it’ll be fine, there’s no need to worry. The words had always tasted bitter on their tongues, each of them knowing the other could see through the thin veil of reassurance to the uncertainty and fear beneath. And yet that didn’t - couldn’t - stop them from seeking their own comforts, each in their own way. They did the best they could, for themselves and for each other, within the world they found themselves in.

Jyn nods, accepting the analysis without complaint, but her shoulders do not relax. They talk for a few minutes, going over his new tactical strategies, working through the problems she is having with a trainee, and discussing Bodhi’s new girlfriend - whom they both agree is nowhere near good enough for him. The ease between them is such that Cassian can almost ignore the occasional tightness in Jyn’s words and the way her hands clasp and unclasp in her lap. Almost, but not quite. 

A few minutes before their rationed energy limit is reached and the lights shut off Jyn emerges from the ‘fresher with a question on her lips. Cassian had already gotten ready for bed and is just finishing putting away his blaster. Jyn speaks from the doorway.

“What would you do if we weren’t in the Alliance?”

Cassian turns to her, confusion on his face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean if we left the Rebellion right now, you and I, what would you do?” She clarifies, shifting from one foot to the other.

Cassian stares at her for a moment, trying his best to figure out what she is asking - really asking. “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about leaving. The Rebellion is my life, it’s all I’ve known. It’s my home. I don’t know who I’d be without it.”

Jyn is silent as she nods thoughtfully, eyes far away. “And is there anything you wouldn’t do for the Rebellion? Is there anything you wouldn’t give up for the cause?”

Running a hand through his hair Cassian thinks for a moment. His morals? His safety? His life? He had already given so much. He had very little, but can’t think of anything that is his to give that he wouldn’t give up. Scarif had taught him that while he had done much that was bad with his life there is still much good he can do for the Rebellion and the people he loves. And he knows he would willingly give everything, including his life, to do it.

“No,” he tells Jyn honestly. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for the Alliance. I wouldn’t be able to face myself if there was. I’d never let anything get in the way of the Rebellion.”

Jyn nods, but her jaw is set and she can’t meet his eyes. He can tell it is not the answer she wanted, but he doesn’t know what else there is to say. He crosses to her, touching her chin and lifting her face to him.

“Jyn, tell me what’s wrong?”

He thinks, for a moment, that she will actually tell him. That she will explain what is bothering her and let him make it right. She will let him kiss away her troubles - or as much as any troubles can be kissed away during wartime - and comfort her as he has many times before. But the moment quickly passes and her eyes are firm when they once again meet his.

“Nothing. I’m sorry, it’s just been a long day.” Her face softens and her shoulders droop, weariness seeping through her body. “We should get some sleep.”

A slight pause stretches between them, but Cassian knows that while he can wish until the galaxy pulls apart around him unless Jyn allows it he will not be able to comfort her - despite the anguish being helpless in the sight of her pain causes him. Of course, that knowledge cannot stop him from wishing. He nods and presses a kiss into her forehead. He trusts that she will tell him when she is able.

They climb into bed together as the lights flick out and Cassian wraps Jyn in his arms. She shudders once under him and clings to him tightly, but otherwise is still. He falls asleep with his thumb still rubbing comforting circles into her skin. 

****

When morning comes if finds Jyn’s side of the bed empty and cold. Cassian can tell something is wrong before he even opens his eyes. His heart sinks. Jyn is usually only up before him if she is unable to sleep during the night. When her thoughts chase away sleep she slips out before the sun and finds solitude in her favorite place - the training facilities. Cassian is sure that’s where he would find her if he went looking. But he is also sure that Jyn does not want to be looked for.

Instead Cassian gets ready for his mission. He packs a small bag, eats a small breakfast, and meets K2 in the hanger to go over final details and checks before they head out. He is just beginning to wonder if he will even see Jyn before he leaves when he hears her footsteps behind him on the metal floor of the ship.

As he had predicted Jyn is in her workout clothes, her hair pulled back in its low bun. He murmurs to K2, telling him to give them a moment, then heads to the back of the ship where Jyn is waiting without giving K a chance to respond. He was stupid to think she wouldn’t say goodbye.

“You leave at 0800?” She asks. 

“Yeah. We have a few minutes. K and I were just doing final checks.”

She nods. She looks slightly ill, Cassian thinks, and he worries for a moment that she might be sick, but the look fades and Cassian realizes it must just be the restless night taking its toll.

Cassian pauses for a moment. “Couldn’t sleep?” He watches her closely, but she doesn’t give anything away. She just shoots him a small smile before seeming to snap her attention back to the moment at hand. She shrugs the question off.

“I’m always restless before you leave. You know that.”

Not knowing what to say to this Cassian pulls her into his arms, hugging her gently and letting his closeness say things he knows he could never put into words. Silent communication is one of their best skills, and it’s saved them more than once on the battlefield. But the talent extends beyond the Alliance missions and into their personal lives. There is very little that can be kept private when living on a base with innumerable other people, so Cassian and Jyn value their intimate looks and soft touches, knowing that the other will find the meaning within them. They find ways to say the things they need to, even if they don’t always know exactly what those things are.

Jyn sighs into Cassian’s chest. “Stay safe,” she murmurs into him. 

“I’ll do my best,” he assures her. “I’ll see you when I get back.”

She lifts her head and he kisses her, pulling her body closer to his. For a moment the world is theirs. The beeping of the ship, the calls from outside in the hanger, and even the muttering of K2 in the copilot's seat fade and all they have - all they need - is each other. But Jyn pulls away and the world spins back into focus. Coruscant and the mission still exist and Cassian still has to leave.

And the look of worry, mixed with what he realizes is fear, has returned to Jyn’s eyes.

“Time to go, Cassian,” K2 calls, pulling Cassian’s gaze for just a moment before he snaps it back to Jyn.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he begs her, not wanting to leave her like this.

In battle Cassian has sometimes seen a look in a soldier's eyes when a decision has been made. It is the look they get when they are about to run into gunfire, pilot a ship into a firefight, or pull some other stunt that will, in all likelihood, result in their deaths. It is a look of calm determination and it is the look that comes into Jyn’s eyes now. It is not a look that Cassian likes.

Before Cassian can say anything Jyn gives him a small smile and presses a kiss to his cheek. “Don’t worry, Cassian. By the time you come home everything will be back to normal.”

Only it isn’t. The mission goes off without a hitch: contacts acquired, intelligence gained, messages conveyed. Cassian spends the entire time worried, preoccupied with thoughts of Jyn. He couldn’t be more eager to get home, but when they finally pilot the shuttle into the landing bay it is Bodhi, not Jyn, waiting for him with a poorly concealed look of terror on his face. Cassian marches straight up to him and demands to know what happened. 

Bodhi explains to a shocked Cassian that Jyn hasn’t been seen since the day he and K2 left, around the same time that an X-wing went missing from the hanger. They had seen it fly out but it did not respond to any attempts at contact. And the only person missing was Jyn.

The first few days without Jyn pass excruciatingly slowly, Cassian jumping at anyone who says his name, expecting to see Jyn every time he turns a corner. While some of her belongings had been - judging by the half open wardrobe door and the articles of clothing haphazardly strewn about - hastily removed from their room, other items remained, giving Cassian hope that Jyn would return soon. She is on a mission, he tells himself. Sanctioned or not Jyn would do what she believed to be best for the Alliance. She had proven that time and time again. She would come home; she always did.

It takes him a few days to notice that one of his favorite jackets - and Jyn’s favorite to “borrow” from him - is missing too, although truth be told Cassian can’t remember if it was one of the coats he lost when his ship was captured a few missions back. 

On the third day Draven summons him. While Cassian is renowned for his patience - a trait that a spy and a sniper must have in abundance and that Cassian excels at more than most - he is at his breaking point by the time he bursts into Command. Before General Draven can say anything words are tumbling out of Cassian’s mouth as he demands to know where they sent Jyn, why they tried to cover it up, and when she will be back. Draven just swears.

“We thought you would be able to shed some light on those questions, Captain,” he explains. “We have had no word from Sergeant Erso and we have no idea why she went AWOL. Since she apparently didn’t tell you anything before she left we can only assume that she has abandoned the cause. I am, of course, sorry to see her go. But really I didn’t expect her to even stick around this long. I guess we have you to thank for that.” 

Draven might as well have stabbed Cassian with Luke’s lightsaber.

The next weeks and months are a blur for Cassian. He seems to live his life in a fog, not a particularly desirable trait for one of the Rebellion’s best officers. His life without Jyn becomes a list of moments, moments that are cold and dark and lonely. The continued denial of the situation. The sudden realization as he stares at her empty place in the canteen that she may not be coming back. The intensity with which he tries to find her in the first few months after she leaves - going through her file over and over again, trying to figure out why she ran and where she ran to, scanning for hits on any of her known aliases. The pain that blooms in his hand when he punches the wall after Bodhi suggests to him that maybe Jyn doesn’t want to be found, that maybe he should let her go. The sleepless nights and the constant, inescapable, pressing guilt. 

Something had been wrong before he left for Coruscant. If only he had gotten her to tell him what was it was. If only he hadn’t left. If only he had loved her more. But - when his breath is stolen from him by her absence and he wakes only to darkness and his own choking sobs - he doubts it is possible to love anyone more than he now realizes he loved Jyn. 

And finally the slow and creeping acceptance that he may never get Jyn back. The loss of hope and the loss of interest in anything, even the cause that had given his life purpose. Rebellions are built on hope, but they can be torn down by the loss of it. 

It would have been easier, he sometimes thinks, if he simply knew she was dead. Then, at least, he wouldn’t be left wondering, with visions of rogue missions gone wrong and scream-filled Imperial torture chambers dancing through his mind. And yet perhaps worst of all were the thoughts that maybe she hadn’t been captured or killed. That maybe she had just left. That the Rebellion - that he - hadn’t been enough to make her stay.

So when - five months later - Cassian is assigned a mission to track down and interrogate a rebel-turned-informant and discover how much this man has told the Empire he treats the matter with quiet apathy. He choses his crew simply out of habit - K2, Chirrut, and Bodhi. Baze is offworld somewhere but Cassian knows the four of them can handle it. While Cassian has come to have very little regard for his own life, his need to keep the others from unnecessary danger still remains. The memories of Jyn’s fierce love for the family she had created out of the rubble of her life sees to that. And yet, he cannot help thinking, she had left them, too. 

****

“Take his weapon,” Cassian tells Chirrut, keeping his blaster shoved in the traitor’s face. The near-human’s name had been in the briefing packet Cassian had received, but he hadn’t bothered to commit the name to memory. Names didn’t matter. 

Chirrut does as instructed and while the man bares his sharpened teeth Chirrut can’t see him, anyway. 

Cassian steps forward, demanding, “What have you told the Empire about us, traitor?” 

The man’s red eyes spark and he laughs at Cassian, whose fury bubbles as he presses his blaster into the man’s chest. 

“Tell me or I will end you here and now, orders be damned.”  
Out of the corner of his eye Cassian can see Bodhi’s worried expression. Luckily the hanger they had cornered the near-human in was deserted, but Bodhi knew how little Cassian had been in control of himself lately. Cassian knew, too, and he didn’t like the feeling. Control was always something he had prided himself on. 

“The fall of the Alliance is inevitable,” the man snarled. “You kill without a thought. Stormtroopers, innocents, yourselves. It’s all expendable to you. The only thing that makes you different from the Empire is that you are going to lose.”

“Tell me what you know,” Cassian manages to get out through his clenched teeth.

“Oh, I know much more than you ever could, Captain. Or than you’d ever want to. I don’t blind myself to the truth. But then, I’ve never had the misfortune of being in love.” 

Everything, even Cassian's heart, stills. “What?”

The man continues as if he hadn’t heard Cassian. “You know, I met you once, Captain. On Kessil. With that whore of yours. Of course, she’s not your whore now, is she?”

Cassian is on top of the man before anyone, even Chirrut, can react. He had dropped his blaster in the lunge, but Cassian doesn’t care. His fists are much more satisfying. He punches the man over and over again, not even registering the pain he must be causing himself. He can hear his own voice screaming, demanding to know where Jyn is, but the man just laughs and spits out blood.

“She’s hiding from you. Somewhere far away. Somewhere you will never look for her.”

Cassian would have killed the man. He would have bashed in his face with his own bloody fists for as long as it took to make him stop smiling. But suddenly a pair of arms is pulling him off and Chirrut has him locked firmly in his grasp.

“Leave him, Captain. It’s not worth it. He will have his justice soon.”

Bodhi, wide eyed, keeps his blaster trained on the near-human who hasn’t stopped laughing. His laughter follows Cassian as he shrugs off Chirrut and all but runs back to the ship. 

He stays well away from the traitor on the trip back to base, knowing that if he sees his face again Chirrut won’t be able to pull him off in time. K2 makes some remark about the state of Cassian’s hands and Bodhi is even more jumpy than usual. In some part of his mind Cassian knows that he is sorry for acting that way in front of his crew. But he finds that most of his brain can’t be bothered to care.

****

“You put your crew in danger, you put your mission in danger, and you put the Alliance in danger. I never would have expected this from you of all people, Captain.” Draven is five minutes into his lecture, but Cassian had stopped listening after about fifteen seconds. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about the Rebellion. He would give his life for it in a heartbeat. Less, now that Jyn was . . . . No, Cassian still wanted the Alliance to win. But he no longer had a reason to fight.

“We overlooked your disregard of our orders once before, Captain. We will not do so again.” 

Cassian meets Draven’s furry filled eyes with his own cold ones. “Am I to take it I am being discharged?” he asks. 

The fury on Draven’s face only seems to increase, but it is the princess who steps forward to answer. “No, Captain. Your skills are still too valuable to us. But until we are satisfied that an event like this will not occur again you will be restricted to low level pick up and drop offs. Outer Rim only.”

“Yes, ma’am.” His voice is flat. He would have minded this punishment once. He doesn’t anymore.

“We have a smuggler we want you to meet. They’ve gotten us some good supplies recently, rations and some bacta, even, but we want you to meet them face to face and assess the contact. They haven’t agreed to a meeting yet, so they probably won’t be happy about it.”

Cassian shrugs. “So we don’t tell them. I’ll track them down whether they want to meet or not.” 

The princess and the general share a glance, but then Leia nods. “Fine. You leave in two hours. K-2SO has already been assigned as your copilot. Dismissed.”

With a curt nod Cassian turns. He is moments from freedom when Leia’s voice stops him. 

“I know you miss her, Captain.”

In some part of him furry bubbles. But in that moment, the soft sounds of the princess’s genuine words ringing in his ears, all Cassian can do is close his eyes and thank the Force his back is turned to the room. Even the spy cannot keep the raw emotion off his face forever.

They are gone in an hour and a half, despite K’s seemingly endless list of reasons - spanning from lack of sleep and food all the way to thermal solar flares in the Corellian system - as to why their leaving early is a bad idea. But Cassian has a lot of experience ignoring the droid and as soon as they have clearance they are on their way.

****

Sullust is warm and beyond the Imperial defenses a hurried chaos reigns as the mining system works to fuel the empire. Cassian had been here once before, when he was fifteen or sixteen. He has a scar as proof. 

He walks the streets, slipping in and out between the many different types of life forms one would expect to see in an Imperial supply post. Pinyumb is home to thousands so no one pays him much mind. For a moment Cassian falls back into the steps of the intelligence officer that he is. Thanks to the Rebellion’s intel a few well placed questions point Cassian in the direction of a small building - two, maybe three rooms - on the outskirts of the city. 

K, he was sure, would be almost finished loading the cargo and then their mystery benefactor should be on their way home. Cassian had no doubt that the smuggler would wait in hiding to be sure the cargo was picked up. He would have done the same.

The home would be easily missed by the untrained eye. Dark grey, like most things on this planet, it hides under the shadow of the taller buildings it is surrounded by. Ignoring the door Cassian lets himself in through one of the holes in the wall that serve as windows. They are high off the ground, but not too high for Cassian. 

The first, and really only, thing that strikes Cassian is how empty the rooms are, and not just because the smuggler has not yet returned. A bed in one room and a table and tiny kitchen in another. The third door leads to a ‘fresher. Empty and lonely, Cassian can’t help but compare it to the standard issue Alliance quarters. Whoever this person is they would do well in the Alliance. 

Absently, out of habit more than anything else, Cassian begins looking through the few cabinets. The first contains some rations, the next a few dishes and plates. The third is slightly more interesting. In it he finds little more than a few papers, a datapad, and a vibroblade. He turns his attention to the datapad first. He is halfway through trying to hack into it when he feels the cold - and unfortunately familiar - sensation of a blaster pressed into his back. 

He stills, shoulders tensing, and slowly puts down the datapad. His smuggler is early. 

“I’m sorry for the intrusion.” He makes his voice smooth, soothing, even - the voice he uses with contacts and frightened Tauntauns alike. “I wanted to meet you, but I didn’t think you would be back so soon.”

There is silence behind him. He can’t see the man, has no idea if the person is actually his smuggler, but Cassian decides to take a chance. “I’m with the Alliance. I want to talk with you. Just talk.”

If the person holding the blaster is a Stormtrooper Cassian has just signed his death certificate. He can’t find it in him to care. 

“You don’t need that weapon,” he tries, in a last ditch attempt.

The silence stretches on, the tension so thick in the room Cassian can breathe it in. He is just about to speak again when a voice comes from behind him.

“I never thought they’d send you here.”

He would know her voice anywhere - the strength, the accent, the subtle inflections it had taken him months and year to learn and decipher.

The voice - Jyn’s voice - is steel and Cassian thinks for a moment that his knees will give out from under him. It seems a thousand lifetimes since he has heard it.

“Jyn.” Her name falls from his lips and he moves to turn, not trusting it is her until he can actually see her, hold her, kiss her. But the blaster shifts to just below his shoulder blade, right above his heart, and presses hard into his skin.

“Don’t.”

Cassian stills. “Jyn, what-”

“How did you track me down?” Her voice is as hard as the blaster she holds. “I saw an Imperial droid taking the shipment I left for the Alliance. I figured either I had been compromised - which seemed unlikely given the lack of Stormtroopers - or you and K had found me.”

Cassian’s mind is reeling. Joy and overwhelming confusion make his chest feel like it is being crushed by a Wampa. “I’ve been looking for you.”

The blaster trembles the tiniest bit on his skin. Although Cassian still can’t see her face he can almost taste the energy Jyn is putting into her self-control. The same question that has haunted him since the moment he discovered her gone continues to ring in Cassian’s head now. Why? Why? Why?

“Leave, Cassian. Walk out the door and don’t look back.” 

“No. I won’t. You’ll have to kill me first.” After everything - their experiences on and leading up to Scarif and the realization that they would die not just for the Alliance but for each other as well, the months they had skirted around one another, each longing for what they were not sure the other was willing to give, and finally the plunge they had taken together, pushing their fears of abandonment and loss away as their lips met for the first time - Cassian knew he would rather die than lose Jyn again. The blaster shakes a bit more.

“Did it ever occur to you that I didn’t want to be found?” 

Yes, it had. Of course it had. But - “I couldn’t let you go without knowing why. What happened? What did I do wrong?” Cassian’s voice breaks and it seems that Jyn breaks too because after another pause - during which Cassian is sure neither of them breathe - the blaster lowers and Cassian slowly turns to find the woman he loves looking definitely back at him. 

In most ways she looks as she always has. Her hair is longer but the tension in her shoulders and the stubbornness in the set of her jaw are - and he thinks always will be - the same. A light scarf is wrapped over her head and thrown behind both shoulders, her jacket, or rather his jacket - Cassian notes absently that it is his favorite, the one he was missing - hangs open over her soft tunic and her leggings disappear under her well-worn boots. She is beautiful and strong, just as he remembers her. 

But it is the pregnant swell of Jyn Erso’s belly that stops Cassian cold.

The world seems to go dark, then very light, as if the span of a day had been pressed together into ten standard seconds. It takes a moment for Cassian to become aware that he is speaking.

“Jyn . . . When - . . . How - . . .” Neither his voice nor his brain seem to be able to formulate more coherent thoughts.

“Sit down, Cassian. Before you fall down,” Jyn instructs him coolly - as if she hadn’t just set off an explosion ten times the size of any Death Star destruction inside Cassian’s head. Cassian finds he can do little but obey and he leans against the kitchen table. Battles, firefights, and undercover missions were nothing compared to this, Cassian decides distantly. 

Jyn watches him quietly, a hardness etched into her that Cassian can remember from their first encounters. It has been a long time since he has seen her walls so high. She is wary of him, he realizes, and under her frown he can see her lips pursing with fear. No one can read Jyn as well as he can, but, as his mind begins to slow, whirling thoughts settle and formulate into a hard truth.

With the cold knot forming in his stomach, Cassian once again finds his voice. “How long?”

Jyn’s detached look does not waver. “I found out the day before your mission to Coruscant.”

His suspicions confirmed Cassian nods and asks the next question without pause, giving himself no time to think. “So whose is it?”

This is the first time since he has seen her face in this lonely room on this desolate planet that Jyn shows any emotion. Confusion and anger flash through her narrowed eyes. “What?”

“It’s why you ran, isn’t it? Because it wasn’t - Because you-”

“It’s yours, Cassian,” she cuts him off. “Who do you-?” She catches herself and releases a breath before continuing. “There wasn’t anyone else. It’s yours.”

If Cassian had thought it was awful to realize that Jyn had left him without a word because she had slept with someone else and was now carrying their child, the realization that it is, in fact, his child and she had left him anyway is a thousand times worse. The thought drives him to his feet again.

“Then why did you leave?!”

For a moment they stare at each other, a battle of electric sparks flashing between them. Then Jyn’s eyes drop. Cassian can all but see the walls she had built during her long months without him begin to crumble. 

“I went to medbay after you left,” she begins. “I was going to have them . . . take care of it. But when I got there I couldn’t - I couldn’t do it, Cassian.” Her eyes meet his again and in them he can finally see the hurt and fear. “So I ran.”

Even Chirrut’s staff couldn’t knock the wind out of Cassian as effectively as Jyn had. His next words are mere breath but quick, as his emotions tumble forward once again, his volume begins to rise. “Force, Jyn. What were you thinking? How could you not have told me? You could have just talked to me instead of running halfway across the galaxy. We would have figured it out - we would have figured it out together. Why didn’t you tell me?!”

He throws the last words at her and the answer she hurls back matches his in everything - from anger and volume to the desperation and fear that drips from every syllable. “Because I couldn’t watch you chose!” 

The unexpectedness of her answer stops him. “What?”

“Cassian, you have loved the Rebellion all your life. It’s all you know. Your dedication is admirable. The Rebellion comes first, and I have always known that. But Cassian . . . When it came down to it . . . I couldn’t bare to watch you chose them over me. I thought I could. But it turns out I’m not that strong. So I ran.”

Cassian is floored and it takes him a moment to find his words again.

“Jyn . . . How could you ever think that I would choose anything over you? Over our child?” He does not try to hide the wonder in his voice when he says those words.

The pain in Jyn’s voice is unmistakable now, even if she tries to mask it by shouting. She’s had five months to think about these words and they tumble out now, almost faster than her tongue can form them. “I asked you, Cassian! You told me there was nothing you wouldn’t sacrifice for the Alliance, that you wouldn’t let anything get in the way of the Rebellion. And that included me. And that was fine. I told myself that was fine. I had to because I l-” she catches herself, the shock and horror on her face at what had almost slipped from her lips revealing what she cannot bring herself to say out loud. She couldn’t say it - not after she had left him without a word, taking their child-to-be from him and with it any chance they would have had at a life together, leaving him with nothing but emptiness and pain. And yet, despite Cassian’s burning anger, he still wishes she had said it - wishes she had given voice to the three words that have sat unsaid, like poison on his lips, for months. Years. 

She takes a breath and continues, her voice quieter, slower. “But this is never what you wanted. I know that. Please, Cassian,” Jyn begs him, “Just go. Leave. Please. I don’t think I’m strong enough to let you go a second time.” 

Cassian has been shot by many blasters - so many he has lost count - and he has the scars to prove it. He has been stabbed, has broken innumerable bones, and has generally lost so much blood over the course of his life that it is a miracle a hundred times over that he is still alive. But he doubts that anything has hurt him this badly. And the pain is made so much worse because his own words - never intended to be taken in such a way - were what had lead Jyn to believe that he didn’t want her. That he didn’t want their child. When asked what he would give he had been thinking of time, datapads, and his own life. Jyn had never entered his mind when he said those words for one simple reason. 

“I have never considered you mine to give, Jyn Erso. You gave yourself to me, for a time. And I treasured every moment, every touch. But you have never been mine.” Jyn looks like she is about to speak, her hand placed protectively over her growing belly, but after five long months now that Cassian has started he is unable to stop. “I used to fight for the idea of a better world. I fought but I never thought I’d live to see it. I thought that was enough. But then I met you. And you became my world. And suddenly I had someone to make the world a better place for. Someone I wanted to live for. The Rebellion doesn’t mean anything to me anymore without you. If you think I don’t want you, both of you, then not once have been more wrong. I have never wanted anything more than I want this. Because I love you. You . . . and our child.”

His declaration hangs in the air between them. Cassian had never put his love for her into so many words. His feelings had been contained instead in kisses pressed against her forehead, fingers interlaced through hers, and private looks meant only for each other. Words had never seemed adequate, and maybe they never could be. But Cassian knows he would die before he let one more moment pass without Jyn knowing, in as many words, that he loves her.

Cassian can hear Jyn’s tears before he can see them. “Cassian,” she murmurs, her voice shattering around the syllables of his name. “Force, Cassian. I just - I was so scared. They wanted to take it from me and I just couldn’t let them. I couldn’t lose everything, not again. I thought I could give you up because I’d still have a piece of you with me. But I was wrong. And I lost everything anyway. I'm sorry.” Her words dissolve into sobs and - just as he had longed for since the moment his ship took off for Corusant - Cassian wraps Jyn in his arms again.

Jyn fits differently in his arms now, her swelling belly and the months they had endured apart ensuring that, but Cassian can’t imagine anything could feel more beautiful or perfect. She presses herself to him, weeping into his shoulder, and he tangles one hand into her hair. He breathes her in and for the first time in five months he feels truly alive again.

Jyn had been alone for most of her life. She had lived, struggled, and fought alone and she had faced all her problems alone. Cassian had known this since the moment he met her - her file had told him as much. What the file hadn't told him - couldn't tell him - was how Jyn’s laugh would make his heart melt, how she would sit with him when the ghosts of his past made sleep impossible, and how Cassian would want to be with her, in this lifetime and every lifetime, until the end of time. Cassian would forgive her; of course he would forgive her. How could he not? It had been fear that made her run, but it was love that brought her back into his arms. 

“It’s alright, mi amor. We’ll figure this out. Together. Everything will be alright. I’ll keep you safe. Both of you. I promise.”

They had never been ones for promises - they were nothing but false hope concealing lies and the knowledge that nothing can be certain. But this was different, somehow. It was a vow, made between two people in love, binding them together for the rest of their lives. And they knew it. 

Jyn’s tears fade and for a few moments they simply hold each other. 

“You were wrong,” she tells him finally, the last few tears dotting her cheeks. “I am yours. From now until forever. I love you.”

Looking down Cassian smiles, pushes the hair out of her face, and kisses her. Sweet and gentle and everything Cassian has longed for. 

“The Council won’t like it,” Jyn remarks when they finally break apart.

Cassian chuckles. “We can handle the Council.”

“Cassian?”

“Hmm?”

The green of Jyn’s eyes shine up at him. “I want to go home now.”

 

## Epilogue

 

At the ship K2 meets them with a simple “Hello, Jyn. I see you’ve decided to come home. That’s good. I didn’t mind, of course, but Cassian was carrying on something awful.” His words, coupled with the hormones and Cassian’s hand in hers is almost enough to make Jyn start crying again. Instead she sits and smiles as the ship takes off. She is on her way home.

Half way though the flight Jyn gasps, sinking into her seat, her hand pressed to her belly. Cassian is by her side in a moment, pure panic spilling across his face.

“Jyn. What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jyn assures him, catching her breath. The terror does not leave Cassian’s face and Jyn comes to the sudden realization that the next three months - and the eighteen or so years after that - are not going to be great for Cassian’s blood pressure. She laughs and takes his hand. “It’s alright, Cassian. I’m fine. Look.” She places his hand on her abdomen, keeping her hand pressed over his as she waits. After a moment another kick causes her breath to catch. The little fellow is strong. 

Cassian’s eyes widen and he would have pulled his hand back had Jyn not held him firm. Shock, then wonder, registers on his face and he seems to search for his voice a moment before he asks, “What’s it going to be?”

Jyn frowns. “What?”

“Boy or girl?” Cassian’s accent is thick with emotion. Jyn just shrugs.

“I have no idea. I haven’t been able to afford an exam since I left. Just a quick visit with a droid one time when I thought there had been . . . complications.”

Cassian’s horror is almost palpable. “It’s straight to medbay with you when we get back.” While Jyn may think this is a bit of an overreaction she can’t help but give a little smile at Cassian’s protective instincts.

When the ship doors open and Cassian and Jyn step out total mayhem ensues. Jyn Erso is back and pregnant and it never crosses anyone else's mind that the child could have any father but Cassian. Bodhi comes running, almost tripping over his own feet. Baze laughs deeply but hugs Jyn almost gingerly, as if he is afraid to crush the new little life inside her. Chirrut just welcomes Jyn home with a knowing smile. 

As promised Cassian marches Jyn strait to medbay, despite Draven’s appearance and subsequent orders that Cassian is to immediately proceed to Command and make a full report. With one hand on Jyn’s shoulder Cassian simply tells him it will have to wait.

It is no surprise to anyone that Chirrut, Baze, and Bodhi are still waiting when Cassian and Jyn emerge from medbay. Expectant looks are met with expressions full of awe. Jyn and Cassian share a glance before Cassian turns back to their friends - their family - and tells them the news. 

“It’s going to be a girl.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave me a comment, I'd love to know what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at [wearesuchstuff1](http://wearesuchstuff1.tumblr.com/). Come say hi!


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